I stepped out of my comfort zone and away from the routine of what I knew.

Away from what was safe… and easy.

I made the decision to take up something new.
HOCKEY

It took a lot to take that first step.
I had collected a huge suitcase of insecurities, excuses and flaws.
I had a choice to make:  take them or leave them

I wasn’t going to fit through those doors carrying them all with me.
So I swallowed my pride.
I pushed my fears aside.
I ignored the voices of doubt- and the laughter of the critics.
I gave my low self esteem a time out.
I told my anxiety to get lost.

It wasn’t easy.  Old habits die hard.  And I was challenged at every step.

But something magical happened when I first hit the ice.
I felt alive.

It was more than just endorphins and serotonin…
it’s something that I still can’t put an exact finger on
Simply put:  Hockey Changes You

I immediately wanted to give it my all.   It filled me with a sense of purpose.
With goals.      With desires.
It gave me this amazing new passion.
One that only another hockey player would ever understand…

I poured my soul into the game.  I willingly shared the journey with those I’d met on the same path.   I opened my heart to them.   I let them see how much it meant to me.

I leaned on them when my suitcase of baggage crept up on me.
And I held a hand out when their suitcases threatened to drag them down.

That’s what we do in hockey.

You see, hockey’s not about the one.  It’s about the many.

The greatest victories come from the hardest challenges.
The richest treasures come from the longest journeys.
and these journeys are not made alone… it’s not a discovery, until it’s shared.

This is a gift.  A gift that I sometimes take for granted. And those issues I worked to overcome have come creeping back like a poison that will spread.   I’m disappointed in myself for that…

But my journey is not over.   I’ve conquered too many obstacles to let new ones bring me down.

I won’t fail in this quest.   My heart is in it.  For the long haul.  And I will share it with whoever wants to join me along the way.

It’s not going to be all hat tricks and flashy saves though… it’s going to be hard.

It’s gonna make you sweat- and gasp for air- and require you to constantly check those bags at the door.

And it’s gonna hurt — and not just your physical body.  Sometimes you’re going to have to face the truth; about yourself, your attitudes, your mistakes… the times you’ve hurt those you invited to be a part of this journey.

The magic of hockey is that all those things can vanish into thin air the moment you let go of them and step into the embrace of your teammates.  The one moment where nothing else matters; just you & your team together, the triumph of your effort and teamwork paying off with a good shift, a good goal, a good win …a good championship.   There is a finite amount of times I will get to wear a jersey out on the ice.   I am going to take each one as a gift.

No, hockey isn’t easy.  No one ever said it would be.   If it were… it wouldn’t have its magic.

It’s an exciting time for us; one that I compare to a nest of eaglets finally getting the confidence to stretch their wings and peer over the edge of the nest.   Some of us are ready to take that leap of faith and see what it feels like to soar on the wind… and some of us are still a bit nervous and wanting to stay within the comfortable security of the nest.    It also divides us a little.   The jumpers are unsure whether to take flight and leave their brood-mates behind, and the ones still in the nest look on enviously as their fellow eaglets start taking to the skies.

In short; we’re in the process of taking the step that takes us from a collection of shiny newbies who are out there having fun, laughing at our clumsiness and enjoying the newness of it all — to a team that suddenly realizes they are starting to play hockey and can play it competitively at their current level.  However; this realization brings with it a myriad of new hurdles and challenges.    For example: the having fun part now depends on whether or not we feel like we had a good game and played to our potential, the playful laughing at our clumsiness has turned to beating ourselves up over failure – or worse, beating up our teammates over their mistakes.   And the joy of discovering that we have an opportunity to play the amazing sport of hockey has been dimmed by the discovery that even the best things in life come with their own share of burdens, heartaches, and disappointments.    After all, the saying goes that nothing worth having is ever easy, and having the chance to play hockey means we have to accept everything that comes with it; even the hard parts.

As I sat here thinking about what it means to be a part of a team, and how best to combat the hurdles we’re now starting to face – it dawned on me that there is a way for us to have the best of both worlds.    Our ability to keep it fun and encouraging isn’t about how many games we win or lose, or how well we do, or if we have an all star worthy game or the worst game of our lives.   It’s about having the support of your teammates.   All of them.  It’s about trusting each other and your coach.   It’s about bringing to the table exactly what you want to get out of it.    If you want it to be a positive experience, then you have to bring positiveness with you- and share it with everyone.  If you want to be encouraged and motivated, then you have to reach out and encourage and motivate your teammates.   If you want to be able to shrug off a mistake on the ice, then you have to help your teammates shrug off theirs too.   And if you want to earn the coach’s respect you have to give them yours first.  The truth of it is, we could become a highly polished, hard working, goal scoring, win earning machine — and it doesn’t mean we have to give up the Blue Love we’ve been accused of being sappy with all along.   THAT comes from inside us, and from our ability to reach out to each other through thick or thin, good or bad, hard or easy.   And it’s something we each have total control over – simply: we control the faucet of how much good energy we put out … or how much bad energy we let leak.

I’ve spent the day thinking about how to change my own ‘output’ and in doing so, came across a few articles and columns that really seemed to click for me.   I’m going to share them here so that I have the ability to look back on them in the future, but provide links and credit to the appropriate parties.   It turns out that a team is greater than the sum of its parts; its teammates, its coach, its mentors and supporters.

Learning to be Better Teammates
(This is from a Skydiving Club – talk about the need to have good teamwork and total trust with each other!) 

The rules are:

1. Everyone matters.
2. Never be confrontational.
3. Motivate and inspire each other.
4. Recognize that everyone is an individual.
5. Have selfless dedication.”

Everyone Matters

First and foremost is that everyone on the team matters.

Often the stronger personalities tend to overshadow others, pushing meeker team members’ thoughts and opinions aside.  Whether you respect someone’s opinions or not, it is important that they be heard.

Never be Confrontational

One surefire way of resolving these problems — quickly and without badly hurting feelings — is to approach each other in a non-confrontational manner. As soon as emotions start to rise, and a problem is identified, a “mental filter” should start processing your words before you speak them.

This mental filter takes out all of the “you’s” and “I’s” in your conversation and replaces them with “we’s.” Consider what you are about to say — before it leaves your mouth — and word it in such a way as to be non-confrontational.

Motivate and Inspire Your Teammates

The exchange of mental and emotional energy is crucial, both during a training day or just talking about the future. Without the exchange of positive feedback, eventually all will come up short in their efforts.

It is the responsibility of every team member to provide positive motivation and inspiration to others — every day. Such efforts don’t have to be dramatic or obvious; they’re just positive reinforcements.

This should be an even exchange: give a little, get a little. No one can be expected to provide motivation and inspiration all of the time without receiving some in return.

Recognize That Everyone is an Individual

Everyone’s wants and needs are different. It is the job of each person to know what makes his teammates tick and to provide that support.

Most of us have heard of the Golden Rule: “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” Being a good teammate, you must take that to the next level, the Golden Rule Plus One: “Treat others as you know they would like to be treated.”

Have Selfless Dedication

Selfless dedication is the catchall for everything that is not covered in the areas above.  If you have selfless dedication then you will listen to your teammates’ concerns and problems as if they were your own.

Summing It Up

There is a question you can use to test your actions and words that will tell you if you are being a good teammate.

Before you do or say anything in the team environment, ask yourself: “If everyone acted and spoke this way, would it be good for the team?”

This question might help you better understand how you are acting towards others and if these actions are helping to achieve your desired goals.

I highly recommend reading the whole thing through as I have tried to make it more concise for this posting.

The next thing I came across was about how under appreciated our coaches and mentors are.   We are so very fortunate to even have coaches at all; while our league sees a decent amount of teams with coaches on their benches, this is absolutely not the norm for adult recreational hockey – and that we have as many practice slots as we do with coaches that come out to run them is really amazing.  Sometimes I forget that they are our coaches and not just our friends; when I think about it, once I’ve signed the roster I’ve agreed to give them the respect and authority due their position.   And if I really think about it… how differently would I act if it were Coach Bylsma, or Quenneville for the Hawks fans, out there running the show?  Pretty different I imagine.

The author is unknown on this writing below, but they had quite an insight into what it means to take on the responsibility of mentoring a team.

A coach is a politician, a judge, a public speaker, a teacher, a trainer, a financier, a laborer, a psychiatrist, psychologist and a chaplain. It also helps if he is an astrologer or at least understands numerology.

He must be an optimist and yet at times appear a pessimist, seem humble and yet be very proud, strong but at times weak, confident yet not over-confident, enthusiastic but not too enthusiastic.

He must have the hide of an elephant, the fierceness of a lion, the pep of a young pup, the guts of an ox, the stamina of an antelope, the wisdom of an owl, the cunning of a fox, and the heart of a kitten. It will also be to his benefit to develop the acting ability of a poker player with a pat hand.

He must be willing to give freely of his time, his money, his energy, his youth, his family life, his health and sometimes even life itself. In return, he must expect little financial reward, little comfort on earth, little privacy, little praise but plenty of criticism.

However, a good coach is respected in his community, is a leader in his school, is loved by his team, and makes lasting friends wherever he goes.

He has the satisfaction of seeing youth develop and improve in ability. He learns the thrill of victory and how to accept defeat with grace. His associations with athletes help keep him young in mind and spirit; and he, too, must grow and improve with his team.

In his heart he knows that, in spite of the inconveniences, the criticisms, and the demands on his time, he loves his profession, for he is THE COACH.
— Author Unknown

So, as we head into the Thanksgiving Holiday – I’m going to take a nice long breather and consider all that I have to be thankful for.   I’m going to change my focus, and my tune, and come back from this break with a renewed attitude.   I’m ready to step off the nest, and I’m going to be right there to help my nest mates make the jump too. I’m going to be encouraging and motivated and, in turn, share my confidence with everyone else too so they can ‘catch the air current’ with me.   I’m going to appreciate everyone a little more and complain a whole lot less.  I’m going to mind my manners and treat people with the respect and attention I’d want to be treated with – and focus on the task at hand when it comes time to be serious and focused.  I’m not going to lose that easy-spirited, playful nature that made this so much fun to get involved with – I’m just adding another layer to the parfait, and it’s going to taste great.

Happy Thanksgiving All – and thank you, all of you, for being part of something that has been such an amazing and positive experience in my life!

It’s a time for excitement, for expectations and dreams, hopes and goals.  Everyone is rearing to go; to get back to the game they love, to reach further than they did the season before and to accomplish new achievements.    There is nothing quite like the start of a new hockey season.

And we’re no different.   We charged into our first game full of readiness despite a bench of just ten.   We scored a quick first goal, and held together long enough to put a security marker up on the board late in the final period.   We came out with the victory that day and spirits were soaring.   Two days later we rose to the challenge of a higher level team and though we lost, we stepped away with pride and with the sense of accomplishment that comes from hard work, grit and determination.     It’s a whole new attitude this year…  like we’ve broken free of those chains that hold us back and weigh us down; the ones that tell us we did poorly, or skated like an elephant, or failed to do this, or that, or whatever.   It’s absolutely invigorating!

But we’re facing our first test against this awesome new attitude.   And after thinking about things and going over it a hundred times in my head, it was a common hockey catch-phrase that came to mind.

“We just have to stick to our game.”

That means playing hard, but keeping our head in our game. Not letting any of the extra bullshit cloud our judgement or affect our play.  It means, digging in and doing the systems our coach is teaching us.   Aggressive forecheck, a hustling back check, guarding the house, supporting each other, and just … working our asses off.     I mean, let’s be honest with ourselves- we’ve already proved we can do it.   We’ve shown ourselves that when we set our minds to it and work together, that we CAN do anything.  We CAN hold our own against a white team, we CAN beat a team rostering higher level players, we CAN tie a game in the last 45 seconds of play, we CAN take some contact and get up and keep going.    At the end of the game, we’re measured by what we did, not by what we didn’t do – and so long as what we did was stick to our game and play hard, then we’ve raised the mark on our measuring stick and grown as a team.

But it’s not just about our effort and technical skills out there, it’s about the attitude we bring to the bench and to our opponent.   We boast the largest women’s hockey club in Illinois; we have amazing leadership in this organization, generosity beyond compare when it comes to time and service, we’ve some of the best coaches that I have ever seen- and for rec. level hockey that’s just amazing, we support our community and have raised over ten thousand dollars for charities in just two years of events.   What we have is an AMAZING group of women, from top to bottom, and that means we have every right to wear these colors with pride.

… it also means we have every responsibility to wear them with honor as well.   That means ‘our game’ happens as much off the ice and bench as it does on.   We’re what every other team strives to be … we offer women players something that few clubs can, and it’s evidenced by our growing numbers which includes not just first time skaters but those who have played through highschool and into college.

It means we need to remember that when we’re on the ice, on the bench, in the locker room, in the parking lot, at a restaurant, on facebook, tweeting, or wherever else.   It means that when we have the opportunity to be ‘the better team’ – we need to own that moment.   During the game, in the midst of a heated play, or anywhere else.  Own it.

I came across this video when I was looking for some inspiration to get me hyped up about the next game  whole season and I think it speaks to us/about us on a lot of levels.   I’ve also pulled out a few of the more powerful quotes that struck me.

“A team is something you belong to.  Something you feel.   Something you have to earn.”

“Let me tell you something.  Don’t let anything … NOTHING, come between us.”

“It’s about heart.  It’s about who you go out there and play the hardest.”

“It’s not about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”

“I don’t care what the scoreboard says, at the end of the game, in MY book, we’re going to be winners.”

So as we get ready for our next few games, and really settle into the season… let’s remember who we are, and what we’re a part of, and let’s ‘stick to our game’.

Anyone that’s seen the hockey commercials on the various sports channels will know that hockey is a sport that prides itself on toughness.   There  is no lack of that even among the game’s female athletes.   Broken fingers, pulled muscles, media-worthy bruises, tendinitis, illness, etc etc.    And that’s not to mention the cramped schedules of balancing work hours, education, household needs, and running one’s own children around for their activities.   This leaves the average adult female hockey player as someone that runs on about 5-6 hours of sleep a night, juggling overworked schedules, and fighting off the mental strain of trying to keep it all together without batting an eyelash.

What I’m discovering is that women have no problem playing through physical pain or stress, but the emotional kind is a whole different ball game.   And by this point in the season … we’re emotionally exhausted.

It’s also because of these emotions that women’s hockey has a little more to deal with on the bench and in the locker room.    We’re hard on ourselves.   I’ve written multiple times before about how little we encourage ourselves.    It seems to be a growing problem among women in general, not just in hockey.    Validation and worth seems only to come with perfection and flawlessness in our minds.   What a load of crap we’re feeding ourselves, huh?   Anyway, try as we might to overcome these issues that we are all blatantly aware of and confess to… it leaves some strains to be found and dealt with.

In hockey, it’s often mentioned that you should try to read the play.    Just this morning it dawned on me why women struggle so much with this.   Women rarely read into things in a simple fashion.    In fact, we often misread it.   Now, I’m not really talking about a hockey play right now – but maybe it does reflect on our ability (or lack thereof) to read a play on the ice as it’s happening.    What I’m talking about is how we read into each other off the ice.    By the end of the season we’re so mentally tired and wary, that our lack of confidence makes us prone to misread things that come from our friends and teammates.   We cut ourselves down when we fail to see progress, and well meant criticism can start to feel like a sharp knife.   And when you stop to look back, really, at our level — wins are less important to us than just feeling like we’ve done something good out on the ice.   We’re a bunch of headcases that need more building up than the Great Wall of China.

Oh, and another thing about women?   It’s a major flaw, but ask ANYONE that you’re close to if they notice this…   A woman being encouraged by one of her close friends, will continue to argue that it’s not true.    If a stranger, or someone she is less close to compliments her, she will take it to heart and feel good about what’s been mentioned.    I can’t tell you how many times #76 has told me something positive about myself and I shrug it off, only to tell him a week later that Billy Bob told me this EXACT same thing and I am ecstatic about it.    I don’t know why it is, but the closer you get to people, the more likely you are to discredit their words to you when it  involves pointing out your merits.

And that leads in to another aspect of the environment.    We could refer to it as the honeymoon period.    The first season or two on a team, everything is new.   All the people are new.   You’re excited and optimistic and you’re also mostly at the acquaintance stage of friendship with your teammates.    A few seasons in and that honeymoon period is over.   You’re more comfortable with everyone now and with that comes more easily ruffled feathers.   It’s just part of the evolution.     Some people will get along better than others, some people will pick up a new skill faster than others, some will struggle with something and then worry about upsetting her teammates.    The first season – none of this happened because it was all still so new and perfect and awesome.  You didn’t think about this other stuff because everyone was pretty much in the same newbie boat all struggling to figure out the oars, and all working to encourage each other that we’re doing fine.

They say moderation in all things.   I say it’s probably good that hockey – official league type hockey – is not a year round sport.   I also say God bless the men who are willing to coach us, because we’re quite the handful.

So, as we get to the ‘off season’ let’s take a deep breath, reflect on all the good things,  and enjoy some time off.  Hockey will always be there.   More importantly, so will our friends.

After all… Through the good times or bad, the ups and downs, the streaks, the slumps, the celebrations and the frustrations… we’re a hockey team.    I would bet that there isn’t a single one of us that doesn’t look back on our join date and think, “Man!  I can’t believe I found such a great group of women to take this journey with.”

Tennis is not.

I’ve mentioned before that in the NHL there are various lines that exist to accomplish various things.     I didn’t delve too deeply into individual efforts in that because hockey truly is a team sport and that’s what I was inspired to comment on.

But individual roles exist too, and they’re often shared between many people, and sometimes one person will have multiple roles.

There are grinders, play makers, snipers, veterans,  instigators and enforcers.   Often times, to those not rooted deeply into the sport, the enforcer and instigator role is criticized for making the game more violent than it needs to be.   I’d like to point out how these two roles especially, can be a crucial piece to the teamwork puzzle.

Instigator : This is the guy who gets into the other teams head.   It’s a distraction.   Frustrate the other team so they lose focus and discipline and end up making mistakes.   We already learned that hockey is hugely mental, so having a weapon against a team’s mindset is beneficial.

Enforcer : The heavy hitters, the fighters, the guys who step in when someone goes after your teammates.    A lot of people wonder why this role exists at all.  It’s protection.    If you were to let the weight of balancing the actions on the ice fall entirely to the refs and linesmen, you’d see the all stars and goal scorers get murdered.    How do you stop a team that is clearly better than you?  Take out the people who produce the most chances.    By having an enforcer on your team, you’ve set up a checks and balances type  system.   If someone wanted to take a run at Jonathan Toews – and the Hawks had no one to go out there and repay them for that slight … how often do you think it would happen?   The answer is constantly.     The enforcer, aptly named, enforces the fairness of the game.   Do what you will to us,  but know that there will be a price to be paid.

That’s the NHL.    We, at the recreational, late to learn the game, beer club women’s level, don’t allow checking – and so with no hits, checks or fighting allowed, the role of enforcer seems far less likely to exist.

But it does.   Sure, our enforcer doesn’t throw the gloves, or plaster someone into the glass.    But we have one.  Hell, we probably have a dozen of them.

In that sense, the whole ‘hockey is a family’ thing couldn’t be more true.   Say you have a family of four.   Your older brothers are going to pick on you mercilessly and rag you and get pissed at you and so on and so forth … but that doesn’t mean other people can.   The second an outsider messes with your kid brother, you’re in their face and ready to throw down.

And that’s how it is with hockey.  Whether it’s NHL, ECHL, juniors, highschool or a bunch of women on a rec league.     We’re a team and we’re a family.   We don’t always get along 100% perfect 100% of the time but we stand up for each other without fail.

In truth, you attack that which you envy.  So if you’re gonna talk smack to someone – I’d suggest you choose your battles with someone who doesn’t have the worlds best team mates at her back.

… maybe yapping at the tennis court is more up your alley.   Better odds.

“Hockey: The Best Game on Earth”

We’ve all heard it before…  heck, most of us have defended it if not spewed it from our very own mouths.   Even a convert like me guards that motto like it were the recipe for eternal youth.   (Actually, it may be.)

What do you say when someone disagrees?  Or when they ask why?

Well, the list is long for me personally, but the first thing that comes to mind is : Passion.   I have never before seen a game that is routinely played with such passion as hockey.

Twenty players dressed for a game of 60 minutes, where only five men are on the ice at the same time.  A constant, tumultuous ebb and flow of action from one side of the ice to the other.  Intensity, quickness, fire, momentum shifts that can happen in a split second, celebrations and elation…  and … if you can’t see the passion that hockey players have for their game – then you’re blind.

There is something altogether invigorating when you step out on the ice.  Whether you’re Wayne Gretzky, some AHL 3rd liner, a mite, or … a grown women who took the sport up a mere two years ago.   I can’t even explain it to be honest.   I’ve dabbled in other sports and hobbies, and nothing -NOTHING- has come close to matching the feeling I get out there.

What I don’t get though… is when I don’t see that passion simmering excitedly around me.   In a locker room, during a pep talk, talking about a particularly exciting game recap, mentioning the hopes of making the playoffs.

C’mon people.   This is a game of passion.  It’s a game for the strong and the determined and the fearless.    How can you lace into your skates and pull your jersey over your head and brag at being a hockey player … but not give your captain a hollar when they’re pumping you up before the game?

See, hockey’s great for a lot of reasons – and another one of those reasons is that it’s an extremely MENTAL game.    That mental strength doesn’t come from a circuit switch that you flip on as you walk through the rink doors.  It comes from inside yourself; from a practiced, repeated attitude that says, “I am playing the greatest game on earth!  Just you watch!”

So if you want to be a hockey player, whether you’re out there to be the best late-starting, beer-league, womens-rec player you can be …  or whether you just have a great fondness for the game that’s been a part of your family for the past decade or so, then it’s time to accept the full role.

Get up, dress up, show up.

Find your passion.  Put it on your sleeve.

Don’t be ashamed to be a hockey player.  On the ice, in the locker room, in the parking lot, at the bar.

Whether you’re an all star, a rookie, or a struggling veteran, … play the game as it was meant to be played.  With heart and with passion.

It’s reward enough to just play, and I will never say otherwise.   I don’t care if we end a season with a record of 0-20-0 … I am thrilled to be out there playing this game and get a huge grin just looking at my pile of gear in the corner that reminds me “I am a hockey player.”     But … winning can be nice too, and winning starts with one thing above all else, and that’s finding your PASSION.

Give me a “HELL” give me a “YEAH”
Stand up right now!
Give me a “HELL” give me a “YEAH”
Stand up right now!

*This post inspired by the song Hell Yeah  by Rev Theory and some ‘inspirational crap’ sent by RBK.     The next Rampage video will be to this song — but in the mean time, listen to the song and let that driving beat and lyrics inspire you a bit.

Sorry – you will have to go to the site to watch it.

I think I’ve come across one of the differences between men’s and women’s hockey.   They both play with passion; men with the testosterone filled, engine revving muscle car kind of passion … and women with the lay it out on your sleeve, give it all you’ve got and never quit kind.

The real difference lies in what happens to that passion after the game.  With a win, well it’s pretty much the same thing.  Excitement, silliness, celebration, beer… always beer.  (Wait, that’s win or lose.) But… with a loss, I think it’s different.   For the most part, men growl it out, throw a towel and move on.    For women … well, once you’ve put that passion out on your sleeve, it’s stuck there for a while.  You can’t just tuck it under your jersey again, it’s been exposed to the public.    You fret over your every mistake, you come down on yourself for failing to execute every minute detail of the game with perfection.  You worry about what your teammates will think of your mistakes.   You tell yourself, and the world, “I suck.”

For having the reputation of being the daintier, gentler of the sexes – women take losing a hell of a lot worse than men.  Okay, maybe  not worse, but they do hold on to the grumpies of losing a lot longer than men do.

Add in to the mix that this pursuit of hockey I am writing about began, for 90% of the team, only within the last couple years –and at an age that most people are looking to wind down with easier, less risky hobbies.   (Not ones that involve lacing  up into skates, dragging yourself onto a sheet of deadly  ice and chasing 8oz of vulcanized rubber around with sticks and attitude.)

So why is it that we assume we should be able to don our armor, wield our weapon and haul out onto the battlefield like some seasoned Knight Templar that was born, and groomed, to do this?   Why can’t we see the glory in being the determined townswoman that reaches for the pitchfork and goes charging into the streets to ward off the attack?  I mean, which takes more guts when you think about it?

Now, I am as guilty of this as the next person.  In fact, somewhere along the line I got it into my head that if I am not scoring points, then I’m not contributing at all.   (And this is a mindset that women pick up on very quickly.)   Maybe it’s because we don’t know the game inside and out yet… we don’t see how the little things come together over all.  We don’t see the progression of baby steps…

For example- the progression of :

1. I didn’t catch the pass…
2. I caught the pass but lost it…
3. I caught the pass and skated it ten feet before losing it…
4. I caught it, skated it and got bumped off by a defender…
5. I caught it, got past the defender but whiffed on shot…
6. To finally, I caught it, skated it, deked the defender, took the shot and I scored.

For women, that middle part of the journey is seemingly unimportant – worse yet it’s a nuisance!  It’s another example of our failures to berate ourselves over.    And in that, we’ve got it all wrong.

~ It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end ~   Ursula K. LeGuin

~The dream is not the destination but the journey.~  Diane Sawyer

I find it interesting (and amusing) that both of those quotes came from women writers.   See – we really are in this all together.  It’s a woman thing!

Here’s another thing to consider.   When we start building each other up and commenting on these moments of victory to one person, they’re going to get a confidence boost and turn around and build someone else up.  It will be just as contagious as it is when we let the feeling of defeat and suckiness permeate the locker room – actually, it should be more contagious… so long as we don’t dismiss what our team mates are telling us.   It’s a process.  A journey.   So instead of focusing on that end destination (and lets be honest, we’re playing recreational women’s hockey, our destination is to just get better and have fun doing it, right?) let’s focus on the awesome journey we get to enjoy on the way there.

Going forward, I am going to point out all the moments of victory we encounter along the way.   I’m going to corner a team mate and tell them the awesome thing they did (because I’ll guarantee you they didn’t realize they did it or that it was awesome) and I am going to smack down the person who counters that compliment with a ‘But I…’

In closing, a quote from another person.   (Not famous… well not yet anyway.)    It’s something to keep in perspective; something to remind us how lucky we are that we have a chance to play the best sport on earth.

“A bad day on the ice, is still better than a good day in most other places.”   I. Wadycki

Some succeed because they are destined to;   most succeed because they are determined to.    ~Anatole France

That’s part one.    And before I get into my story I am going to put part two out there also.

Success and failure.  We think of them as opposites, but they’re really not.  They’re companions – the hero and the sidekick.   ~Laurence Shames

Now on to the hard part.   Here is a picture of a girl in 2005.

We're looking at the one on the left.

And here is the same girl in 2006.

So obviously something happened between 2005 and 2006.    This girl stumbled onto the mother lode of determination.    Two changes were made – small ones, nothing intense.    She joined Weight Watchers and she started playing a video game call Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) for some exercise.    In 13 months, with a few ups and downs, she had lost 68lbs.   That’s not some OMG drastic, over the top story.   Just … eating a bit different and exercising for 35 minutes 3-4x a week.   Nothing else.

Okay, well one other thing.   DETERMINATION.

I wish I could find a way to bottle that stuff, because man it could make me millions if I did.    I reflect a lot on this ‘determination’ thing.    It’s elusive and fickle.    You find its tracks one day only to be lead into a dead end the next.   I once heard it said that doing something isn’t about willpower, it’s about want power.     I believe that it takes both.    On one hand, you need to have the self discipline to act, or not act on something — but it’s the wanting of the ends that will fuel that self discipline.

So big secret, yeah that girl is me.   And anyone who knows me, knows that ever since 2006 -I have been struggling to find my determination again so I can get back on track and back to where I’d gotten to before.    Because man, I’ll tell you … the hardest person in the world to forgive?  …  Is yourself.

For 13 months I busted my ass and ended up finding a girl at the end of it that I was proud of.  Truly proud of.   I felt great.   I’d found confidence.  I’d packed shyness and insecurities into the bottom sock drawer.   I came out of my shell.   I lived!!   … and then I started to realize that swimming toward a finish line is a whole lot easier than treading water /on/ the finish line.    Determination to reach a goal – well that’s entirely different than the determination to stay there.   And now, four years later I can honestly say I’ve lost 200 more pounds – Just, it happens to be the same twenty over and over and over again.    And it PISSES ME OFF!

I know what I’m missing in my puzzle right now.    The corner piece that has Determination written on it.   I have the edge of the puzzle all put together; the knowledge of what to do, the resources to do it, the experience of past success, the support group of others who can encourage me… everything.   Everything except that corner piece of determination.  The foundation that will hold the rest of the puzzle together.   And really?   I’m still trying to find it.

Another thing that anyone who knows me is aware of is that I’m hard on myself.   I see myself with overcritical goggles.    Those evil little insecurities that were once packed away are now staring at me every day from the top of my dresser.    In fact, I think they may be responsible for hiding away that puzzle piece I am looking for.

But there’s something else staring at me from atop my dresser.  It’s a hockey puck.   Or four.    In the past, I would have probably given up with trying by this point.   “Screw it, I’ll be fat and happy.”   (Only I wouldn’t be.)    But now I’ve found a passion – and this passion already has the corner piece set into place.

With hockey, I am determined to play hard every time I get the chance to play.   I’m determined to not give up.    Determined to make progress, learn new things and become a better player.    Not because I’ll be on some pro team or make it into some career — just because I /want/ to be a hockey player.    The want power is there.  The willpower is there.   And the determination is there.

So, in finding this new passion in hockey, I have a blueprint that I can refer to and use for other aspects of my life.   Like getting healthier and eating right, and as a byproduct of those two things, losing some of the weight that’s inched back on over the last few years.   I also know that my hockey will benefit from a healthier, lighter me… so it acts as motivation too.

New Years Resolutions aren’t really my thing – so I’m not gearing up to make this into that.   But, I am ready to dump out the rest of the puzzle and find that missing piece.     And I’m ready to remember that success and failure are sidekicks, and that it’s okay to have both.   That I /will/ have both.  I won’t jump into this and be perfect every day.   I’ll probably even have lapses that go a few days or even a week and that will give me practice in forgiving myself.

So basically, in writing this post and sharing it with whoever is reading it, I’ve written myself a personal contract with signatures from my ‘witnesses’ that I’ve committed to finding my determination.     And maybe, someone else who needs to arrange their puzzle pieces will stumble on this post and will join me along the way to hunt down that last corner piece.

I’ve got three things to aim for this summer.  (And that gives me a very reasonable time frame to meet the health goals.)

1. Weekend Warrior Camp
2. Warrior Dash
3. Vacation with my Dad & Sis back out west…

(The same place that the 2006 pic was taken.)

So – here goes.   From here on out, remind me to be determined!   Don’t let me give up.   And when July hits, ask to see that new pic.

A typical shift in pro hockey lasts 30-60 seconds on average.    Time and again you’ll hear announcers comment about a player being out there too long… or on the tail end of a long shift, or being gassed from getting stuck out there for more than their 45 seconds.

Typically a team (pro) will dress four forward lines and three defensive pairings.    1st line, 2nd line, 3rd line, 4th line.   These lines each have a different role in the pro scene and these roles are also commonly brought up by the commentators and analysts.

So, how is it that I’m talking about four lines in one shift?   Certainly we can’t manage to make four line changes in under a minute.  (Sometimes we’re lucky to make one line change in four minutes hah!)

It has to do with something I’ve been thinking about …

So these lines all have various responsibilities.   I’m sure that most kids growing up with dreams of making it to the NHL fantasize about being part of the glorious first line.   But let’s be honest … every first line that exists out there needs a third line capable of shutting them down.    Each line has it’s melody so to speak … and to quote a phrase painted on one of the locker rooms “You don’t get harmony if everyone sings the same note.”   In short.   We’re all responsible for the results of the game.

So, strayed again, back to the point — we’re not a pro team.   We don’t have 1st, 2nd, 3rd lines … we have lines sure, but they rotate quite a bit and that’s just as well.  (We’ve not passed general science well enough to get into chemistry yet.)   So, I am going to approach every shift as if I am a member of EACH line.

I’m going to :

• Have the heart and confidence of a 1st liner.
• The determination and smarts of a 2nd liner.
• The aggressiveness and fearlessness of a 3rd liner.
• The energy and passion of a 4th liner.

There’s a player on the Penguins (yes I know, I really need to expand my pool of inspiration) named Tyler Kennedy.   He’s a third/fourth liner.    He doesn’t seem at all bothered by where he plays in the lineup – he’s just out there to play his best every opportunity he gets.   He skates hard, he fights for the puck, he gets in to the dirty areas, he doesn’t quit… ever.   It’s like watching Ricochet Rabbit on Ice!    And he goes for shots, he tries moves, he’s fearless.  Relentless.     And he is and likely always will be a 3rd liner.     The magic behind TK is that he doesn’t let that dictate his play on the ice.   Tell me … does the clip below look like he’s thinking about the fact he’s on the 3rd line?

Tonight, I’m playing in honor of TK in hopes that I can keep up the same passion and fire as he does, regardless of where my shifts take me.

And hope that Coach doesn’t realize that video was from the SCF series against his home team.

And I happen to be smack dab in the middle of one of those ‘sometimes’.

What do you do when one of the things that is most responsible for being a mood lifter, suddenly turns on a dime and becomes a mood buster?   You have to dig.   You have to get dirty and rattle some of those skeletons out of the closet.

One of the double edged swords of being a generally decent person is recognizing when your own attitude sucks.   Which of course adds a nice layer of guilt to your angst parfait.

Sometimes you don’t even know what triggered it – and my being one of those over analytical female types I always try to figure out the how’s and why’s of what’s going on.    When I find them — well I don’t use them as excuses, but I do find relief in realizing there is a usually a reason for them.

The women of my family tree share a very unhealthy trait so I am going to assume this is partly hereditary.   It’s about validation.   We constantly strive to feel as if we are valued among family, friends, coworkers, peers… it’s a never ending quest to, in short, find worth.

To an extent everyone seeks this, but for me it has (for a long time) become warped.    In order to believe I truly have value and am worthwhile (in a company, a club, on a team, etc.) … I can’t just be a part of it, I must excel.    If I don’t, they will see no value in me.    If I don’t give 150% and come out on top, then I don’t belong there at all.    I know.  I know.  BS.    But it’s important to point out that this is very different from wanting to just ‘Be the Best’ or get the good old fashioned Over Achiever stamp plogged into your passport.   A decent analogy of the mind-path might be this:   If you can’t swim across the English channel faster than everyone else, you won’t be able to swim at all — you’ll sink.   Crazy huh?

“We can secure other people’s approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that”

Mark Twain said that.    It amazes me that someone like Mark Twain suffered, or at least understood, this search for acceptance and approval that plagues so many of us.

What does this have to do with hockey?   Simple.   If I am not scoring goals, firing off perfect passes, winning every faceoff, coming up with the puck after every battle… then I start worrying about my worth, my value, on the team.   It’s a dangerous all or nothing.   What’s worse is that it acts as a blinder to everything else going on around me.   I start unraveling and complaining.  I get little itches of jealousy- that I recognize and loathe mind you – and I sulk.

For all of that, I’m sorry.    And I accept a good clean hit on this attitude check.  Heck, slew foot me!  I deserve it.

There’s a long going, probably endless, debate in the hockey world about who is better.  Crosby or Ovechkin.    I’m a Penguins fan, the decision is easy for me based on that alone, but even if I weren’t I’d still pick Crosby.   Why?  It’s his attitude.    He excels every time he steps on the ice, he works hard in the off season, he focuses on every aspect of his game that the media questions as lacking and he comes back stronger the next season.    I truly don’t believe that he does it because he wants to be ‘The best in the NHL’ – but because he wants to be the best Sidney Crosby he can be.   He has  always put team before self.   Last year in the closing days of the regular season when he was racing Ovechkin and Stamkos for the league lead in goals, he still focused on the smart play over getting the next notch in his belt.   When there was a question on who got the marker on an uncertain goal, he was the first to point at his linemate as a show of who it belonged to.

I’ve always admired his work ethic.   As I picked up the game and ended up playing the same position as he does, I found him to be a role model – so now, as I struggle with this need for an attitude check, I am going to once more rely on Sid.    I am going to be the best Nay I can be.   I’m going to be more like Sid is when he’s on the ice.  And more like him when he’s off the ice.  I’m going to revel in the spirit of my team.   I am going to celebrate OUR accomplishments.   I am going to pick up OUR teammates when a bad bounce goes against us.  I’m going to stand up for OUR goalies when the chips are down.   And I’m going to play my ass of for OUR coach every second of every shift that I have.    Our team is different from other teams.   Our team isn’t just a bunch of hard assed chicks out to play hockey.   Our team is a family and I am going to remember that from here on out.